The Jesus Rider

When you invite a guest speaker or band to “perform” at one of your events, the invited person/party usually has a “rider” (list of do’s and don’ts that must be adhered to) that needs to be read and signed before they will agree to participate.

Many of these speakers and musicians (even Christian) have riders that are completely outrageous. I sat down one day (with my brother Matt and Nashville insider Val Hoback) and thought about what it would be like if Jesus, the Son of God, had a “rider.” What would that look like? Below is our work. Enjoy!

    • Must have a 12 ounce glass of water at the podium. I promise not to change it to wine during My talk.
    • Must have at least 5,000 in attendance at each event. Do not expect Me to feed them!
    • Must keep all children away from Me while I am “on stage”. I cannot have them bothering Me when I am trying to speak or heal people.
    • When I am taking a nap… I am taking a nap! Do not let any of your people wake Me up for some reason like bad weather, etc.
    • I want five people praying for Me as I speak. Please make sure that none of the five are part of Peter’s Narcoleptic Support Group.
    • The sponsor shall provide transportation to and from the town where I will be speaking.
    • Because of recent “problems,” I do not travel with Rent-A-Donkey so please do not book Me there.
    • If I am expected to walk across a lake to an engagement it is assumed that the sponsor will clearly mark where the stones are for Me to do so with ease.
    • Please provide sufficient “security” so that no one may get close enough to touch My cloak.
    • Please do not have a spotlight shining in My eyes. I am the Light of the world. I do not need your sorry light.
    • Do not worry about bringing a sound system. I have a tendency to speak loud enough so ALL people can hear Me.
    • When delivering the expected honorarium, please DO NOT give the money to Judas.  Yes, I am serious.
    • If I happen to give a parable during My talk, I am only going to explain it once. If the audience still does not get it they are more than welcome to buy My cliff notes which can be found in the back at My concession stand.
    • I expect that My concessions “stand” will not be placed in the temple. I hate overturning My own tables.
    • My Father will not let Me sign autographs in anyone’s Bible.
    • I refuse to do any Bob Marley impersonations.
    • I understand that my opening act of raising the dead is powerful but please let your audience know (in advance) that Elvis cannot be raised. He is not dead anyway. He lives in Iowa. Shhh.
    • Due to My contract with Zondervan Publishing Company, I may not help any of you find Waldo.
    • At no point during the entire event may any musician or band play the following songs:
    • “Friends” by Michael W. Smith
    • “Thank You” by Ray Boltz
    • “Thy Word” by Amy Grant
    • “Just as I am”
    • “Kum by Yah”
    • “Pass it on”
    • For an additional $300.00 denari, I can guarantee you the weather you want.
    • When I enter town, I expect to stay at a four star (****) Hotel. Inn’s and stables are definitely out.
    • When I give the closing prayer, if I see anyone peeking… they are in big trouble.
    • When I give an altar call, normally everyone comes forward.
    • During the Q&A time, I refuse to answer the following questions:
        “How much would could a wood chuck chuck—blah blah blah!”
        “Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?”
        “Can your Dad make a rock too big for Him to lift?”
        “Are you republican or a democrat?”
        “Where is Noah’s Ark?”
        “Where was Obama born?”
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About Rod Arters

As a former youth worker, business owner, school teacher, coach and inmate, Rod has the unique ability to relate to almost anyone in whatever situation they are in. His thought-provoking blog about life, mistakes, faith, hope & grace has been read in over 175 countries. A popular writer & speaker, Rod draws from his deep well of biblical knowledge and personal pain to encourage others along the broken journey to wholeness. He hosts an invitation-only private Facebook group for men (called the Man Cave) and enjoys helping others find Hope in the midst of their painful situations. He currently resides in Columbia, SC.
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2 Responses to The Jesus Rider

  1. MichelleW says:

    Zondervan??? 😛

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

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